I curled up on my bed after a very long, emotional day in February 2013. Just hours before, I’d learned that the baby we were expecting had died 5 weeks prior. All of my hopes and dreams for this child were gone. I was devastated. Leon curled up next to me.
“If God loves children and values life, why am I having a miscarriage?” I cried loudly to my husband. He wisely didn’t know the answer to that question, so he remained quiet. For the first time I could remember, grief taught me that we can ask God all the questions we want, but we may not find out “why.”
Two nights later, I found myself in a hospital bed crying on a nurse’s shoulder as I tried to make sense of the suffering I was experiencing, and how this just wasn’t fair.
Why do I have to walk through such hard stuff, God?
Three years later, Leon and I were driving home from our first of many trips to Newcastle. It was long, emotional day, and our baby had just been diagnosed with a couple of serious birth defects. At that point all of the defects were reparable by surgery. Yet we still found ourselves asking God “why?” Why would God allow us to have a poorly child?
That day was the first of many times we asked God “why” during our journey with Titus. Ten months have passed since that first dreadful trip to the Royal Victoria Infirmary in Newcastle. I still ask God why we had to walk such a difficult road with our brave, strong boy. God’s word and my grief are teaching me that we may never find out why. That’s mostly okay because we believe in a sovereign God who knows what He’s doing and He’s working our difficult journey for good.
Recently I came across a verse in Romans that’s all too familiar. In fact, if you’ve been a believer any number of years, you probably know it, too.