To our Angel Baby,

Your story is one of joy and grief. Of excitement and disappointment. Of togetherness and loneliness. Even though we never got to hold you in our arms, you have been a gift from God to us.

When I found out you were living inside of me, I was surprised. Surprised because I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant so quickly. I was also scared because it would mean you and your brother Asher would be barely 18 months apart. Yet I trusted God because He had you in mind all along. We waited just a few short weeks before telling everyone you were on your way…

Or so we thought. I still remember the day I found out we were losing you. And the day that confirmed it. The rest of the week was a blur as I went in and out of hospital to have my missed miscarriage of you medically managed.

Illuminate-Dear Angel Baby 3

I never felt so alone because of this miscarriage—it’s something that no one ever talks about. But others came along side of us and shared the stories of their angel babies with us. God also used your death to bring Daddy and me closer to Him and each other. I never expected God to meet us so intimately in such a dark time.

Illuminate-Dear Angel Baby 4

Your short life brought the body of Christ together. We had so many offers of meals and offers to babysit Asher when I had doctor’s appointments to attend. We had a number of cards come in the post from friends expressing their heart-felt grief, sympathy and encouragement to us.

Illuminate-Dear Angel Baby 1

A month later, we travelled back to the US knowing our grief would get resurfaced because there were still friends who didn’t know Jesus took you home. It was grief that crept up in the most unlikely places. It made life on home assignment difficult at times. We saw a friend at Auntie Kelli’s wedding who was due with a baby around the same time you would have been born. There were a few other friends due around your due date—one even used your name. It was a jab in my heart, but God gave me grace because how could she know?

It’s been nineteen months since Jesus took you home, and there’s still not a day when I don’t think about you. We miss you, and can’t wait to see you in heaven some day.

Your name means “gift of Jehovah,” and you have been just that—a gift, even though it seems like God took you away too soon.

Illuminate-Dear Angel Baby 2

Love you and miss you,

Mummy xo


 

October is Baby Loss Awareness Month. So in honour of the baby we lost just over 18 months ago, I’ll be posting these next couple of weeks about the journey the grief of miscarriage has taken me on. My posts are inspired by Beryl Ayn Young’s class, Illuminate. If you’ve suffered the loss of a child and are looking for a way to find healing through photography, I recommend this (free) class!